A new season

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It's that's the case then I suppose you could call me insane....

I have been doing alot of "soul searching," praying and thinking lately and I have found that I am not living my life in a healthy way. I have been surrounding myself with negative people, I have been consuming my time with unproductive things, and filled my head with negative thoughts.

Although I love my Kensington grace and my sweet Roy boy more then life Itself they have got the leftovers of my heart. I have spent my life giving here giving there making sure that I haven't made this person upset, making sure that this person has everything they need. Making sure my clients can get in for that last minute color and every sunday school position is filled. I have been filling everyone's cups so full that i have only had drops left to give to those that are the most near and dear to me.

I don't know why I do this. I have a very large fear of confrontation so I don't often face it. More then half my life I have just done what others want because it avoids a fight and then I don't get the full beauty that I deserve. I am a people pleaser at its finest.

I have had multiple conversations with people close to be saying "why do you do that?" "You need to stop" i also have to add that I have some people in my life who give to me over and over and I am so busy pleasing others I haven't had the time to add a little to their cup.

There is a bitchy quote that I just love that says "I am making some changes in my life...if you don't hear from me your one of them!" I don't know who wrote it originally but I envy them! I have often told Roy that I want to move away just to have a fresh start! To clear the slate of the friends and family we have that suck the life out of me. I know it's running away but who cares? I have also had friends that turn into a hermit and just then their phone off the moment they get into the door from work. They don't log on to any social media and they spend their weekends in Jammie's with their families. I also wish this was an option for me but my job literally requires me to be social. My mops volunteering requires me to have my dreaded addiction, Facebook, although I have decided I think it is the single most unhealthy thing for me.

I have to meet in the middle somewhere. I keep saying that this is it! This is the end! I am putting my foot down! But we all know that isn't my personality. I think it's the small Daily changes I need to work on. I need to learn how to show respect for my husband again. In my heart I respect him right up next to Jesus but the words that come out of my mouth and the tone I use you would never know it. And dang that man has been patient the last 2 years. - I need to turn off the tv, set my phone down and don't run to it every time my text or fb notification goes off. I need to get my house, my car, my planner and my life organized. Not spotless because that will not happen till my kids are gone, but enough that I am not frantic every time I need to leave the house. I need to pray...ALOT more! I want to feel Jesus again and know that I am doing a good job. I want to be his hands and feet again. I want to raise my hands above my head in worship the way I used to when I was single and had nothing to loose and did not care who was looking. I want to rock my baby to sleep and stare Into those beautiful blue eyes that I KnOW my daddy had something to do with. And I want to cuddle up next to my handsome hubs and fall asleep in his arms.

When I am laying in my death bed I won't be thinking "oh I hope I didnt make my family mad...I hope I did everything my friends wanted me too" I am going to say was I a good wife and a good mother?

I want to do all these things without care of impressing others knowing that my husband and my daughters cups are so full that they are overflowing and in return mine will be filled. I don't want to be so concerned about my clients having the last minute hair apt that they just HAD To have, if my friends keep saying how bad they want to see us they can call and come over anytime, I don't want to worry about if my inlaws like me and if I am making sure I am doing things right, if I am there enough for my family being a good enough daughter, sister, or aunt. I am just exhausted. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. It's finally time to make the baby steps and start a new season one day at a time!